A newly arrived piano player in New York stops a jazzman in the street and asks:
"How can I get to Carnagie Hall?" The Jazzman answers: "Practice man, practice!".
Hey, did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge?
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
piano lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Yeah, they're going to make reproductive organs!
Did you hear about the man who went streaking through the church?
They caught him by the organ...
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
Printed on a doormat:
"Doorbell baroque. Call Bach later."
Q: Why are pianos better than guitars?
A: They burn longer.
Q: What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave?
A: He was decomposing.
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we
sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Angus MacDougal was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe
when they made such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I
might as well be playing the piano."
"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down
personally and rubbed his name off the piano." - Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis
Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
... A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and
sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint. The man
asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The
man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just
urinated in my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".
Q: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A: Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has
had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged
hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
Q: Why did Bach have 22 kids?
A: Because he had no stops on his organ.
A charming young singer named Hannah,
Was caught in a flood in Montanah
As she floated away, Her sister, they say,
Accompanied her on the pianah.
"And who are you?"
"I'm the piano tuner, sir."
"I didn't order my piano to be tuned."
"No, sir, but your neighbours did."
A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings
won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert
grand better than a studio upright?
A: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Actual church bulletin board blooper:
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success... Special thanks are
due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give
wife upright organ."
What is better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ!
What do pirates and piano players have in common? They are both
murder on the high C's!
What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker? You better C
sharp or you'll B flat!
My piano teacher is really religious. Every time I play, she
closes her eyes, shakes her head and says, "Oh Lord."
|At a posh wedding reception in
Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails
furiously while calling for help, yelling "help me! I can't swim!" One of the
other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So? I can't play the piano
and you don't hear me complaining."
Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I
asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to
switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a
clarinet, she can't sing...."
A pianist is playing in a seedy, Mafia-owned tavern in South Jersey...it's
11:55 PM, and he's 5 minutes away from the end of his gig. The owner's assistant
comes up to the pianist and says:
"Da boss wants you should play Strangers In Da Nite."
The pianist says: "Okay, no problem."
The henchman continues: "Da boss wants you should play it in F#"...
The pianist says "I usually play it in F, but no problem!"
The henchman goes on: "Da boss wants you should play it in 5/4 time."
The pianist says "But the song is in 4/4 time...How am I supposed to do that?"
Henchman asks him: "Look, you want paid or not?"
So the pianist improvises an introduction, and as he gets to the opening notes
of the song, he hears, in a really ugly, raspy voice behind him:
"Strangers in-da-friggin' night....exchanging glances; Strangers in-da-friggin'
10 Reasons not to play the piano:
- More than any other instrument, your rear end will fall
- You have to be tall enough to reach the brake pedals.
- Sharps aren?t any harder to play than normal notes, but then,
composers always ask for tons of them.
- You have to read two staves at once, usually with tons of
notes (very difficult).
- People associate you with conductors because practically all
conductors are pianists.
- You have to explain that the real name of the instrument is
- People will refer to you as a ?penist?.
- Your hands will become the size of golf umbrellas.
- Clipping your fingernails too short is worse than knocking
out an oboist?s front teeth.
- You only have to tune your instrument once every nine months,
but it costs two hundred dollars.
Five reasons to play the piano:
- Simply playing the music will teach you more music theory
than you?ll care to talk about.
- People will respect you as being a very talented and skilled
- You will play music so complicated and exciting that you can
make a bigger impression on an audience than an entire orchestra.
- No reeds, strings, bows, tonguing, spit, intonation problems,
difficulty on sharps, breathing problems, string technique, or anything else to
- Press the key, get the note. What could be simpler?
Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a
friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner,
Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later,tuned the piano satisfactorily, and
left. Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of
tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a
return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am,
but Oppernockity only tunes once!"
The Ten Commandments of Organ
- Thou shalt practise every day, even if only for a short period.
- Thou shalt NEVER practise faster than thou canst play perfectly, for it is
written: Perfect Practise Makes Perfect.
- Thou shalt NOT put off working on the hard parts; David did not invite
Goliath to come back after tea.
- Thou shalt work out a usable fingering, inscribe it on thy papyrus and NEVER
vary from same, for Fumble Fingers Find Fate Fickle.
- Thou shalt never apologise for thy playing, nor say "Oops!" when thou makest
a mistake, for thou wilt only draw attention to things which otherwise would
never be noticed by the thick people.
- Thou shalt practise each composition in short segments; that thy fingers may
not break off more than thy mind can chew.
- Thou shalt listen ... and not only to organists, for it is written: What
this untidy world needs is fewer organists and more musicians who can play the
- Thou shalt NOT play pedals without shoes ... for thy Odor-Eaters may be
spent, and besides, it leads to sloppy playing.
- Thou shalt begin and end each practise session with something thou canst
play readily, that thou mayest not be discouraged.
- Thou shalt always remember that thy practise is a labour of love and that by
persistence (oft proved by thyself in other undertakings) thou canst bring to
pass many wonders.
What do you say after the concert? (or how to offer
faint praise) to the recitalist:
"Your performance was remarkable."
"Now that WAS a recital."
"Well, that was certainly more than we'd expected."
"Boy, you've done it again."
"I have no idea how you do it."
"It was the most incredible thing I've ever heard."
"I have never heard you do better."
"I wouldn't change a SINGLE thing."
"A lot of people seemed to like it."
"This performance was mind-boggling."
"I'm overwhelmed. I just don't know what to say."
"Boy, I'll bet you're glad it's over."
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a
scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job. The bartender was
put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner. As the
old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious
music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and
when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding
wildly. "Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that
beautiful song?" "I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title,
Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping
honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped
along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and
filled his tip mug to overflowing. "You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep.
"Just amazing! What do you call that one?" "Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I
wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.' Then, he rose,
excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old
musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you
are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the
restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and
whispered, ...... "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for al the world
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT !"
walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick,
will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other
pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and
proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even
better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The
bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the
first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into
his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his
knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket
and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him
$100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The
stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists,
"he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to
$500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the
stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth
millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about
it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "He is a doctor."
"That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?"
Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whore
The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an
Billy's father said, "Well, I am actually a lawyer. But how can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old boy?"